


One year of love

by Thenightdreams



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Cheating, Depression, Drug Use, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Smut, There's just a lot of angst, might have a happy ending haven't decided, prepare for the worst though, will warn readers when new tags are added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2020-06-03 21:35:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19472662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thenightdreams/pseuds/Thenightdreams
Summary: He didn’t want to say that they had to break up, no not yet. He just wanted to be selfish one last time. But the cat was out of the bag. “I… I think we should break up. I’m too much of a coward to continue on like this Freddie… I don’t want a relationship that has to stay in the shadows forever.. I want to be able to hold your hand in public without being worried one of us will be a victim of a hate crime, I want to get married.” He paused as he glared at the wood floors beneath him. “I want to have children one day.”orJohn comes to the realization that he wants more from a relationship then just hiding in the shadows and we follow how John and Freddie cope with it through the yearsStory starts in early 1974





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fic for this fandom so I really hope you like it. It will be a lot of angst and hurt coming with this fic so please be prepared.  
> Also I suggest listening to Ember by Tony Anderson (Sascha Kirschtein mix) while reading this chapter. It really sets the mood here's a link to that:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzoNqdNwUQA
> 
> I have no beta so all mistakes are my own please be gentle ahaha

It was something that John had been thinking about for a while now. It wasn’t like he didn’t love Freddie. No, he loved him so much, which is why he decided not to go on in this fantasy acting like the end result would have been a fairy tale ending. This was England and there wasn’t a hope in his mind that they would ever see the day where gay marriage would be legal or even adopting children. Not when being gay was only just legalized only seven years ago, and even when they first started this facade what they were doing in the begining was still illegal up until two years ago. He wanted a life outside of the silence he wanted a life that ended with church bells and children and growing old to see his children have children and finally grow old and die together. But he wasn’t stupid and he knew he was too much of a coward.

He would have felt like a cliche if it wasn’t for the fact that it was always raining in London. But here he was sitting in a park as the rain soaked his clothes and chilled him to the bone. But in a way he was happy it was raining. it was the only way he could be in complete denial over the hot tears that fell down his face. 

He didn’t know how long he was there for, didn’t really care either seeing as it was just him pushing time away so he didn’t have to do the inevitable that was tearing at his heart making it hard to breathe but also numbing his entire mind. After a few more minutes the bassist rose to his feet and slowly began to walk to the flat that he’s been at so many times over the years. He didn’t know how he was going to do it, how he was going to tell him, how he wasn’t going to break down and cry because he loved him so much and he didn’t want him to disappear completely out of his life. 

Every step closer just seemed to way him down further and completely destroy him inside and each clack of his shoes hitting the pavement echoed in his ear that only made him want to sob. Before he knew it, he was in front of  _ that  _ door.  _ That  _ door that would more than likely change his life forever and possibly leave him with an empty feeling that will forever haunt him till the day he died.

It seemed like this was the calm before the storm because despite the rain beating down heavily and loudly all he could hear was a ringing in his ear that made his body numb and stiff. He took one more deep breath before finally knocking on the door as good as he can with how weak he felt and how his joints protested from the cold. He closed his eyes tightly and hung his head down low half wishing that no one would be home that he could forget about this but then he heard the deadbolt being undone and his stomach twisted and turned just like the lock. 

Maybe he could run away and hide, so the man behind the door would think it was just a prankster but he knew with how drenched and heavy his clothes were from the rain and how his bones were protesting from the cold he wouldn’t even have time not when he was already opening the door as he had that thought cross his mind.

“John?!” The voice called out to him with shock. “What happened?! Why didn’t you call?! I could have met you at the train station! And you should have brought an umbrella you’re going to catch your death out here!” The swarm of words left Freddie’s mouth as he pulled John inside. “You’re soaked to the bone and your lips are purple! Darling you’re going to die from the cold at this rate!” He continued to scold but out of worry. He was so used to John calling to let him know he was coming over and John was never the one to leave the house unprepared when the forecast said it would be raining all day. 

And then it hit him, John hadn’t looked up at him once since he had opened the door and a swift motion of panic began to surface through him and he began to wonder if something happened. “John are you okay?” He asked softly and the panic began to take hold of him even more when John didn’t respond just stood there shivering, water puddling around him as he kept his head down. “Darling you stay right here I’m going to go get you some clean clothes and some towels and some blankets. Then we’ll have a nice cup of tea. Doesn’t that sound lovely?” He soothed carefully as he gently caressed John’s hair. 

Just as he was turning around to get those items John had grabbed his wrist keeping him in his place. He sniffled slightly before slowly walking closer to Freddie letting go of his wrist and slowly placing it on the singers chest and bringing their lips together into a slow passionate kiss. His hands clenched tightly as Freddie’s shirt not wanting to let go as if Freddie would disappear into thin air if he didn’t keep hold on him. 

It shocked Freddie to say the least. He’s never experienced this side of John, his vulnerability that honestly, made him scared and terrified but the way he kissed him he soon began to melt into it, something so soft and gentle but passionate and intimate That made him feel like he was being drowned in love.

“I want you to make love to me.” John whispered softly. He was weak for this, but one last time. He needed Freddie one last time. He knew in the end that it would just hurt him more, that in the end it would just hurt both of them more. It killed him inside to know how much he was going to hurt Freddie and that his selfish actions were only going to make it worse. But it didn’t stop him he just wanted to be selfish to the very end so he could remember a final ending that didn’t involve just pain. 

Freddie knew something was wrong with John, he knew deep down from the way he acted from the request to make love to him. It wasn’t a term they all too often used and the way it sounded from John’s lips made his heart ache in a way he couldn’t describe or place. So badly he wanted to know what was wrong but the urgency of John’s lips against his lips told him it was best to wait, that John really needed him right now. 

He placed his hands gently on John’s hips and once again began to kiss him slowly his hands moving up to frame John’s small physique before he started to undo the buttons of his shirt peeling it off his body until he was free of the wet article. He had to step back to look at John for a moment to look at his body, the way his skin became scattered with little bumps from the cold and his nipples were perked perfectly but he couldn’t help but also notice how pale John was. More pale than normal. “John let’s get you warmed up first, I don’t want you to get sick.” 

The bassist wanted to laugh at that because after what he was going to do to Freddie, do to  _ them  _ he knew that Freddie would probably want him to be much more than sick, and he wouldn’t even blame him. He felt like he didn’t deserve kindness from Freddie but yet here he was still taking even though he knows what’s going to happen. “Y-you can warm me up.. Please..” He whispered trying to get Freddie’s own shirt off. 

“Darling you haven’t even looked at me once since you got here, you won’t even let me get you warmed up first. Please…” He whispered as he grabbed John’s chin lifting it up gently with his thumb and forefinger but what he saw made his heart hit his stomach and his body tremble. He’s never once seen John look this scared, this vulnerable nor this sad. Why was he this sad? John was never sad, he always had a smile on his face. So why now? What had happened to John to make him look this way with red puffy eyes that threatened tears if they weren’t already falling finding it hard to tell with how drenched with water he was. 

“I don’t deserve kindness..” John whimpered out and it was at that moment Freddie felt his heart shatter. John who was everything he ever wanted. John who was the kindest man he had ever known. John who was his soulmate and lover felt he wasn’t worthy of kindness and Freddie had to wonder where he went wrong to let John think that. Had he not shown John how much he loved him? Showered him in enough praise? He knows John is shy and has insecurities but hasn’t he always made it clear that everyone is worthy of kindness.

“Oh darling… Don’t do this to yourself. You are always worthy of kindness and love and joy and everything good. No matter what, there is nothing you can do or say that would make me say otherwise.” Freddie whispered cupping the bassist cheeks.

“I don’t deserve anything besides your hatred. I deserve that.” John whispered.

Freddie’s heart dropped as he tried to think of all the possibilities of what John could have done. He didn’t think John would cheat, and when would he have had the time to they were always practically joined at the hip. “W-whatever it is, we’ll work through it darling. That’s what you do in a relationship you work through them.”

He didn’t want to say that they had to break up, no not yet. He just wanted to be selfish one last time. But the cat was out of the bag. “I… I think we should break up. I’m too much of a coward to continue on like this Freddie… I don’t want a relationship that has to stay in the shadows forever.. I want to be able to hold your hand in public without being worried one of us will be a victim of a hate crime, I want to get married.” He paused as he glared at the wood floors beneath him. “I want to have children one day.” 

It was hard for Freddie to really comprehend what John was saying but at the same time it was the easiest thing in he world to also understand. He should have seen this coming but even himself didn’t expect it to happen like this. For it to happen this soon not when he wanted John this much. “Of course we can get married, we don’t need a paper to explain our love we can have a ceremony and we can come out to Roger and Brian and I’m sure they’ll support us. And we can always adopt a child.” Freddie said slightly panicked as he felt his chest tighten against his lungs and a lump began to from in his throat. 

“Not legally…”

Freddie wanted to cry, he wanted to beg John not to leave him. But he knew that wasn’t going to change John’s mind it wasn’t going to make him comfortable with the thought of being gay. It wasn’t going to let him be safe holding hands without the fear of being killed by someone who didn’t agree with their life choices. So he did the next best thing. Avoid it until he absolutely couldn’t anymore. “Come on, let's get you all nice and warm and we’ll talk about it later. You’re really going to catch your death like this. I’ll run you a nice warm bath and get you a nice cup of tea. Doesn’t that sound lovely?” He said softly ushering John to the bathroom refusing to take no for an answer. And in the end of he knew he couldn’t change John’s mind but it will be okay, as long as he didn’t leave the band. He couldn’t stand that thought, couldn’t stand the thought of never seeing John again, never able to wish him a good morning, never able to go to a bar and get a pint with laughs about ridiculous stories. No, he would never forgive himself if he couldn’t do at least that.

John let him run the bath because he knew Freddie, he knew that the singer though kind was stubborn even more stubborn than himself. He didn’t know what he expected of Freddie. He figured a fight, he figured Freddie yelling at him to leave, to never speak to him again to call him every name in the book because that was easier. It was easier to accept his pain when Freddie didn’t want to see him again because at least he didn’t have to wonder how Freddie was going to handle it in the end and didn’t have to see the pain in his beautiful brown eyes every day onwards. But he should have known how stubborn Freddie was and he wouldn’t go down without a fight. 

He sat in the tub staring at the tiled walls while Freddie made tea. It’s funny how something as simple as a bathroom where joyous memories of bubble baths and soft touches in showers became like a distant memory. He could have sworn even the bathroom was a much brighter place just the other day but now it seemed dull like it lacked color and vibrancy feeling cold almost. He didn’t understand it at all so he tried very little to make sense of it and continued to stare at the tiles. He didn’t know how much time passed before Freddie came back kneeling down next to the tub with two cups of tea. 

“Two sugars, just how you like it.” He whispered softly handing John his cup. “Does the water feel good? It’s a lot better now don’t you think, at least your lips are becoming a normal color again.” He said with a kind smile as if to try to lighten the mood though he knew it was in vain. 

John gave a small nod and a hum of agreement taking a small sip of his tea. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do. He just felt empty and numb to everything knowing if he opened his mouth he’d probably cry more tears that he didn’t have the energy to let out. 

Freddie looked everywhere but at John, the tension heavy in the air. He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something but the words didn’t seem to want to come out so he stared down at his lap sipping at his tea. Time seemed to pass so slowly but so quickly at the same time and he supposed an hour went by because no more heat radiated from the bath he dipped his fingers in the water furrowing his brows at the barely lukewarm water. “You should have told me it was getting cold.” He said softly but John didn’t seem to budge. “I-I’ll go get you some clean clothes.” He said taking the mugs that rest on the ledge of the bath, John’s cup still half full. In all the years he’s known John not once did he ever see John not finish a cup of tea and for some reason that made his heart throb just knowing how in pain and how depressed John is at this situation.

He left the bathroom quickly and quietly placing the cups in the sink before going into his bedroom searching through his wardrobe for something warm and comfortable it was frantic as he tried to figure out what would be good enough for John and the panic hit him again as he let out a sob gripping onto clothes so he wouldn’t fall over. 

He needed John and John needed him so why? Why did he want to leave? Why did he want it to end? Why was all those things so damn important to John? 

And then he felt it, the long slender arms wrapping around his middle his back beginning to spread with a dampness and John’s face place tenderly against his back. “Please… Don’t do this John.” He whispered so tenderly before finally turning around wrapping his arms tightly around John’s body letting out another sob. He stayed like that for a while before finally breaking apart just enough to press his lips roughly against John’s slowly moving them both to his bed while John pulled and tugged at Freddie’s offending clothes only breaking for a moment to allow the bassist to pull his shirt off him.

John stopped only for a moment to admire Freddie running his hands against his chest in such a longing fashion that it made both of them want to grieve at the inevitable right then and there. But for some reason the promise of being together, comforting each other in their misery was enough to not think about it. “Are you sure you want to do this? I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” He whispered voice cracking as he finally for the first time since he got there looked up at Freddie.

He didn’t need to think twice not when John was looking at him like that with want, with need, with pain and sorrow. He promised to always be there for John and now was no exception. “Of course I’m sure.” He replied, voice cracking just as much as the man below him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter (next chapter will have some smut i promise (; ω ; )
> 
> Anyways kudos and comments are super appreciated and I would love input from you guys and hope you stick around! Thank you so much!


	2. Chapter 2

John’s hair pillowed around him in a wave like a halo as he slowly laid down looking up at Freddie with such frightened vulnerable eyes, not because he was scared of Freddie. He could never be scared of Freddie, but because he was scared of what was going to happen after all of this. Would they still talk? Would he be able to look Freddie and still be able to smile, to laugh, to feel joy? Or would he feel nothing but this gut wrenching pain forever. It scared him to his core because he didn’t want to leave Freddie he didn’t want him to disappear out of his life. But he knew Freddie couldn’t give him what he wanted, not in the end, not without risking either of them getting in serious trouble and that killed him inside. That killed him that he couldn’t be with the one he loved.

Freddie slowly leaned down cupping John’s face brushing his fingers through the locks of brown so he could see that beautiful pale skin. He hated that look on John’s face he only seen it once and that one time was different; that one and only time was their first time together but despite the fear, the vulnerability, John didn’t look like he was pained like he did now like so many conflicting thoughts were going through his head and if made Freddie feel like a thousand knives were being plunged into his heart.

Slowly he leaned down pressing a soft kiss against John’s neck. Long. Lingering. Tender. It felt like one of those daggers were being taken out of him when John let out a pleasured sigh and reached up to grab Freddie’s hand still tangled in his hair. He wondered if this would be enough to convince John to stay, so he decided to try his hardest tonight, pouring all his love into everything he did. 

He swallowed thickly gripping onto John’s hand, before moving his lips a bit higher once again pressing that lingering kiss to John’s jawline, then his cheek, before John turned his head searching for Freddie’s lips to finally feel what they both had been wanting for the past few minutes. It felt like the first time they had kissed but something so distinctively woeful was there.

John could feel the tears beginning to swell in his eyes with each lingering kiss before he couldn’t take it anymore, he needed Freddie. More than anything he needed Freddie and he couldn’t help think about how selfish he was being, but he didn’t care in that moment as he turned his head to press his lips against Freddie’s. The tears once again started to slide down his face as he slowly wrapped his arms around the older man's neck pulling him closer letting out little tiny oh’s and ah’s of pleasure as he felt Freddie’s gentle hand slide up his body as if he was trying to memorize and map out every single flaw of his skin occasionally squeezing his sides a way that made John feel like he was pulling him closer. 

He pressed his nose against the crook of Freddie’s neck inhaling the scent of cologne before slowly kissing at his neck, it felt so nice to have Freddie like this, here with him touching him feeling him. “Please…” He whispered softly rolling his hips into the singers. “I need you..” He added.

Freddie didn’t hesitate to pull back for a moment slowly sliding his own pants off, groaning for a moment at the feeling of their skin touching with no restrictions. “I’ll take good care of you love.” He whispered pressing another kiss to John’s lips before reaching over to the bedside table quickly taking out a bottle of lube. 

He coated his fingers evenly before warming them up with his fingers before dropping his head pressing small kisses on John’s inner thigh. He still felt cold but Freddie was determined to change that, determined for Freddie to feel warmth and comfort and love. So much love. Slowly and carefully he gently swirled his fingers against his hole eliciting a soft whine from John before slowly pushing in using his other hand to stroke John’s hardened cock. Again another sound came out of him rolling his hips onto Freddie’s hand. 

“Feel good darling?” Freddie whispered his own breathing starting to become labored as he moved his finger in and out adding another one when John gave an eager little nod and another moan. He started to curl his fingers searching for that specific spot- he watched as John arched his back with another moan once the singer managed to find it. Slowly he began to stretch and open John up until he was content knowing John was ready slowly pulling his fingers relishing in the whining sound John made. He slowly covered his length in lube occasionally kissing John’s inner thigh. 

“Please.. Freddie I don’t want to wait anymore.” John sighed out. He couldn’t stop looking at Freddie and feeling nothing but guilt because god why did he have to look at him like that, like he was the only person in the world that mattered and all John could give back was how selfish he was. He was always the selfish one, always the one taking but what did he ever give to Freddie? It hurt, it hurt so much knowing that he won’t change his mind that no matter how much Freddie gave he could never give back that love, because he was selfish. It was so conflicting and he hated all of it and god he just wanted to cry.

He watched as Freddie leaned down to him and he almost wanted to jerk back but he’s grown so much trust with Freddie that he couldn’t but he didn’t expect this, didn’t expect the tender kiss to his cheek, didn’t expect the wetness that seemed to spread around Freddie’s lips. It took him a moment to realize what was happening, realizing that Freddie was kissing away tears that he didn’t even notice were falling. 

“At least I know you’re grieving too.” The singer whispered as he pulled away with a sad smile.

‘ _No.. Don’t do that… Don’t smile at me like that.’_ He thought to himself while his lips trembled but he couldn’t say anything besides draw Freddie closer to him as the singer brought his knees up slightly as he positioned himself. Slowly he let out a drawled out cry as the man pushed into him slowly. It was a bit uncomfortable but he was used to it now and in his moment of grief he welcomed the discomfort as if he deserved the pain. Of course he knew Freddie wouldn’t move until he was sure John was ready, even if John said it was okay even if he told Freddie to move in that moment he knew the singer would wait for him to get adjusted so he didn’t say anything knowing it would be pointless if he did. 

He remained quiet as the sounds of their heavy breathing filled the air and the sound of small kisses to his neck were the only thing that could be heard. After a bit he felt Freddie slowly start thrusting his hips into John slowly almost agonizingly slow as if he was trying to savor every moment and John couldn’t blame him because he too was relishing in the slowness of it with little moans and gasps. His nails digging into Freddie’s back with one hand while the other tangled in the black locks of hair pulling him closer into another kiss. He felt as Freddie dropped one of his legs when he was at a comfortable pace and wrapped it around his back pulling him closer than he thought was possible. 

“I love you… I love you so much…” Freddie whispered between kisses and his own moans. It was almost a choked out cry and it probably would have been if he wasn’t so determined to have John back to convince him not to leave and he knew his own hurt would get him nowhere so he decided to show him just how much he loved him rather than cry about it. He wondered what John was thinking, wondering if he’s getting anywhere with trying to change his mind, wondered if it was even possible but he refused to give up he’ll keep fighting until he couldn’t fight anymore. Why couldn’t John see just how much he loved him?

“I love you too..” Freddie heard that tiny little voice back and he could cry tears of joy to at least know that his love wasn’t unrequited. It was enough for right now and he untangled his arm from John’s back and quickly laced it with the bassist’s hand bringing it to his lips for a quick kiss before burying his head into the crook of John’s neck listening to the small moans he made as his thrusts quickened just slightly. 

“Freddie.. Ah!” John moaned out gripping Freddie’s hand tighter a soft sob coming from his lips the tears flowing freely from his face. “I’m close…” He whispered through little gasps of air.

It was more than enough for Freddie to continue to thrust just a bit more faster determined for John to feel good. “Me too darling.” He whispered into his ear before bringing his lips back to his lovers, slow and tender as he licked into his mouth tasting him. If this was the end for them he wanted to savour everything John had. His taste, his moans, his cries, the way he trembled as he got closer. Everything. It was all he ever wanted to know and to feel.

His hips stuttered just a bit as he felt John tighten around him as the sounds of the younger mans moans filled the air and his seed spilled between them and Freddie follow close behind him; filling him with a groan. Hey squeezed each others hands tightly till they were both reduced to nothing more than a panting mess. 

Freddie slowly pulled out of John and collapsed on top of him puffs of hot air being blown into his ear as he tried to recover. He was just about to roll off of him but was stopped by John. “Stay just like this… Just for a little while longer.” He practically begged running his hands through Freddie’s hair. Without questioning or resistance Freddie laid back onto John with a sigh of content. 

They sat there for god knows how long just listening to each other’s breath and holding each other in their arms. It was probably a good twenty minutes before either of them spoke. “God I really am such a horrible person.” John whispered under his breath with a sigh. “You would think for one bloody moment in my life I’d think about something else besides myself.” He added mainly speaking to himself.

“Stop that.” Freddie said sternly as he slowly got off of John. “You want what you want and there’s nothing wrong with that.” He said with a sigh. “I just wish I could be the one that could provide you with all those dreams.” He said grabbing a cigarette and lighting it up. He wasn’t good with this type of stuff maybe because he never expected it to happen to him and John or in general for that matter. He could firmly say that John was his first love and before him it was just flings maybe a couple things that happened that lasted a bit longer but he never truly knew love until he fell for John; and now that, that was being taken away from him he didn’t know how to cope with it.

He slowly got off the bed, going to the bathroom to get a warm wet washcloth to clean himself before finally coming back and gently cleaning John off. “I understand why you want to leave, why you want to end things but..” His voice hitched in his throat and John’s heart began to crumble noticing the way Freddie was holding back tears. “Please don’t leave the band.. Even if we aren’t together I couldn’t bare not ever seeing you again. John you mean the world to me and life without you even if it’s just as a friend… Well I just can’t imagine how I went so long with you darling..” He swallowed thickly his eyes screwing shut and his face twisted in pain as he tried to compose himself. “Please… I need you in my life John.” He added grabbing onto his hand again giving it a gentle squeeze as he brought his knuckles to his lips to kiss them. 

“Freddie… I-” John’s words were cut off by the singer before he even had a chance to really come up with a coherent thought. 

“Please John! I’ll do anything! I-I just need you in my life. I love you so much but I can manage without you being in my life romantically but I can’t imagine you not in my life at all. If you don’t want to be selfish then do this one thing for me please..” The tears once again flowing freely as small sobs made it out between words. “You’re the love of my life.” His voice was reduced to nothing but a whisper as he looked at John with a tear stained face and trembling lips.

John had never seen Freddie look so small and helpless before, not once since he’s known him has he ever seen him look like this and it killed him to know that he was the cause of this, that this was all his fault. “Alright.. I’ll stay…” He whispered with a small nod as he fought his own tears. He could see the relief in Freddie’s shoulders and he slowly brought Freddie back down on the bed. “Come on. Let’s rest just for a little bit longer.” He said softly pulling him to his chest noticing how the singer didn’t hesitate to rest his head on his chest and pulled him close as if he was afraid John was going to disappear. John couldn’t help the small sob that left his mouth as his heart felt like it was being torn apart and he could only imagine what Freddie was going through but to his surprise Freddie only tightened his hold around John as if in a form of comfort.

It took both of them a while to fall asleep as they stayed in silence the occasional sniffing of their nose only breaking that silence just laying there holding each other through their pain before finally, slowly they both fell asleep like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all who started to read this fic and I hope you are enjoying it (maybe enjoying isn't the right word given the circumstances ahaha) but thank you for giving my fic a chance it really means a lot! Also I'm very sorry if the smut isn't up to standard I always feel weird writing smut for fics I find it difficult to have a good balance between the characters involved but I hope you enjoyed it regardless. As always comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

It had been six months since that night. Six months since Freddie was able to hold John and make love to him. Six months since he was able to look at John and not feel his stomach clench and flip and bile begin to surface up his throat, and only four months since he started to date someone else. Only two months after they split up he was replaced just like that with a snap of his fingers and it felt like knives being dug into his back every single time he was reminded of this fact. Never in his life had he felt such pain, such loss and yet he couldn’t do anything about it but smile and look happy for John’s sake.

But today he wanted nothing more than to jump right off the london bridge tied to a cinder block, they were only one months away from releasing Sheer Heart Attack and John had dropped the news and it hit him like a sledgehammer to the head. Why couldn’t he be happy for John, it’s what John wanted after all. But those words seemed to echo right through his ears causing nothing more than ringing.

“Veronica is pregnant…” It sounded like a mixture of surprise, happiness and god knows what else perhaps fear? Freddie couldn’t quite pinpoint it.but either way he wanted to throw up.

“Well would you look at that, looks like you cheeky little shit has some fast swimmers, who would have thought.” Roger said with a laugh. “Congratulations Deaky, I didn’t know you had it in you.” Roger said patting John’s back.

“Yes, congratulations are certainly in order, perhaps we should go out for a drink tonight all four of us.” Brian said with a smile that beamed.

“Uhh maybe, I don’t think it would be wise to spend money frivolously with baby on the way now…” He said softly looking up at Freddie with burning eyes hoping he’d say something, anything. It wasn’t a secret- at least not to him- that Freddie had been distant since that night. He avoided him constantly, avoided looking at him, talking to him, god even arguing would have been better than the way things were going. But John knew he was asking too much from him. The only resemblance of the Freddie he once knew was when they were playing on stage because heaven knows that Freddie would not allow his audience to see tension between him and any of the others in the band, Freddie was professional in that way.

John had only found comfort being around him when on stage but now. Now he just wished for anything. For him to get mad, to congratulate him (and mean it), to start crying, to be happy, anything. But Freddie just stood there with a blank expression and it pained him so much. He thought about how maybe it wasn’t a good idea to tell him but he knew Freddie would find out eventually. But still he sat there with begging pleading eyes towards Freddie to show some emotion.

“Oh don’t be ridiculous John, we’ll all chip in on your tab it’s only right.” Brian said softly interrupting John’s thoughts He looked over at the singers direction noticing John’s eyes towards him , “You alright Fred? You haven’t said anything yet?” He asked softly.

“Hmm? Oh yes, sorry must of spaced out all this baby talk really makes me want to get a baby cat for myself.” He laughed deflecting the concern. “Congratulations John, truly. You must be very happy for sure.” He added forcing a smile. “Unfortunately I have plans for tonight, but you all have fun for me.” He said as if he didn’t want to curl up and sob his eyes out right at that moment. What did he expect? For John to suddenly change his mind and come crawling back to him? He dug out his wallet from his back pocket and took out a fiver, “It’s all I can really spare at the moment still have to have money for the tube and such so go and enjoy yourselves.” He said handing the money to John.

_ ‘It hurts, why does it hurt so much?’  _ John began to wonder as he stared at the note being handed to him. Maybe because he knew Freddie was not only faking it but lying to him on top of it all. Why couldn’t Freddie just be angry at him? It would have been simpler that way, after all he deserved it but here was Freddie still being kind and generous as ever. “N-no it’s okay, keep it. Besides…” He paused trying to think of a witty remark. “I like watching Roger pick up someone elses tab for a change.” He chuckled half-heartedly looking down at his lap his smile faltering. 

Freddie stared back at John seeing that smile fall and that hurt just as much if not more than hearing that John was expecting his first child. He wanted to gather him in his arms and hold him close tell him that he was sorry because he couldn’t stand the thought of John- someone who smiled so often- frowning because of him. He wanted to press kisses to any part of him that laid bare, he wanted to brush his hands through his hair and tell him it was okay he wanted to do so much but he knew he couldn’t perhaps in another life it would have been different but he was neither here nor there. 

He licked his chapped lips trying to swallow to ease the lump in his throat, still holding the fiver out to John. He gave a small smirk and turned the note to Roger. “Since I know you’ll be complaining all night about money and I do want John and Brian to actually enjoy themselves, here you go darling.” 

“Is this your way of saying you want me to have a good time too.” Roger snickered as he took the money. 

“No I just know how utterly obnoxious you are when you have to pay for things and I would hate for Brian and John to have to suffer through it, so think of it as my share of the load. Just means that next time we need to go shopping, you'll have to go pick them up.” Freddie smirked playfully at Roger.

“You absolute bastard.” Roger said with a laugh. “I knew you were up to no good when you gave it to me. But alright, I suppose I can do that.” He said over dramatically before giving a small chuckle.

“Right, I’ll be off then. Have fun darlings, and Roger do try not to come home puking all over the floor, I really don’t want to clean it up.” He said as he exited the practice room.

“Just for that comment I will!” Roger joked with another laugh. 

John couldn’t help but stare at the door Freddie just walked out of. He wanted to get up, wanted to move, wanted to go after him, wanted to apologize to him but all he could do was stare. It wasn’t like he wasn’t still in love with Freddie, he was; madly in fact. But he wanted more like a selfish bastard. So he continued to stare at the door until the other two started to pack up to leave. 

When Freddie was finally out of the recording studio he couldn’t help to let out a choked out sob, thankful no one was around to witness it. God forbid their current manager caught him crying like a damn fool. He crouched down for a minute holding himself in his arms to try and gain some type of comfort. This hurt more than he cared to admit and yet there was nothing he could do. Nothing that would make John change his mind, especially now that he had a kid of his way. After a few minutes of silent sobs he took a deep breathing wiping his face with the back of his hand, and started his journey back home.

  
  


_ooo_

It was 6:00 by the time Freddie got home, he immediately went to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a glass of vodka. One glass became two, two became three, and by the fourth one he was already puking his guts out over the toilet. 

By 9:00 after his puking fest and his power nap he was back to drinking. This time he didn’t care about politeness of drinking it out of a glass and instead started drinking straight out of the bottle. 

By 11:00 he was thoroughly wasted having completely downed the entirety of the vodka, or at least most of it seeing as he kept throwing up every now and again.He stood up from the toilet slowly moving to the kitchen with the empty bottle in hand. He knew he wasn’t walking in a straight line for god sakes he couldn’t even see straight the room was spinning so much and everything around him seemed to move so slowly, the sound of the leaking faucet, was loud in his ears sounding more like a large hammer to the wall then a drop of water in the sink. He was so close the cabinet when his feet finally failed him and his vision was surrounded by stars and for a moment everything went black, and before he knew it, he was on the floor. 

It seemed like the moment he hit the floor he couldn’t take it anymore and slowly he began to cry, the silent tears soon became sobs and he just laid there like that for god knows how long sobbing, shaking and a complete drunken mess. He didn’t even notice the front door open and close, didn’t notice Roger calling out to him until the drummer was wrapping his arms around him and Freddie clinged onto him for dear life just sobbing in his chest. 

Roger has never seen Freddie like this, not in the four or maybe it was five- he couldn’t quite remember with his own intoxication- but in all that time he’s known Freddie he’s never seen him this upset or even this drunk for the matter. He saw the empty bottle near the singer and he knew exactly which bottle it was and how much was left in it before the left to the studio earlier that day, seeing as he had a shot himself before they left. It was barely three quarters full just earlier that day and now it was gone. 

Seeing Fred like this to say the least was sobering him up as he ran his hands through the singers hair holding him close. “It’s okay Fred… What’s going on, you can talk to me, you know this.” He whispered just loud enough that he hoped he could hear him. “Talk to me, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.” He urged. 

Slowly the sobs started to trail away and once again Freddie felt that awful numbing feeling. “He’s gone Roger, I can never have him again. It hurts so much.” He whispered.

“What do you mean Freddie? Who’s gone?”

“John.. Why couldn’t things be different, I love him so much Roger.” His voice was barely a whisper, more like a pathetic squeak if anything but in general he sounded so vulnerable and defeated to Roger and it honestly broke his heart to see him like this but then in his drunken stupor he finally realized what Freddie was saying. He knew there was a possibility that Freddie was gay but he never really said anything about it. It wasn’t his business after all, but to say that he loved Deaky, that was news to him. When did that happen? Does Deaky even know? It was all so confusing to him. 

“Y-you love John?” He asked carefully. “Like.. love love John…” 

Freddie teased up as his mind started to catch up with his words that he just let up and his breathing started to become shallow with panic. What if Roger didn’t want to be his friend anymore, what if he hated him for being gay what if he thought he was disgusting what if..

“Calm down Fred, I’m not mad or anything.” He immediately said noticing the panic on the singers face. “I’m just trying to process everything.” Again the singer started to relax as he gave a small nod looking down in shame. “Does John know?...” he asked carefully. Again the singer nodded slowly. 

“We dated not long after he joined the band.” His voice was quiet waiting to be scolded but he was met with a comforting rub to his back. 

It shocked Roger to hear this but it was obvious that his best friend was in pain and he wasn’t going to let his own shock get the better of him when Freddie needed him right now. “When did you to ummm breakup?..” He asked carefully.

“Six months ago.” 

It was then that Roger finally put two and two together realizing the awkward glances between the two men, the way they don’t talk with each other constantly, the way they’ve grown so distant from each other. It seemed about right with when that started to happen and when they broke up. It was also around the time that Freddie seemed off, like he was depressed but constantly hiding it. Roger cursed himself mentally for not being there for Freddie wishing he would have been able to do more sooner. “It’s gonna be okay Freddie, w-we’ll get through this together.” He offered wrapping his arms around Freddie in a hug. 

“It’s not though Rog… I can’t stand seeing him with her.. I can’t stand the thought of them having a child together.. I can’t…” he paused holding back tears. “It’s selfish but I want him happy with me.” He whispered. 

“I know mate.. but you have to get through this and I’ll help you through it.. you don’t have to shoulder your feelings alone anymore.” Roger said softly. “Come on.. lets go lay down. I’ll let you sleep with me tonight, I don’t want you choking on your own vomit while you sleep.” He said slowly helping Freddie to his feet. 

“Thank you Roger… for being a good friend.. I need it.” Freddie said as he stumbled with the drummer to his room. 

“Don’t thank me Fred. I just wish I was there for you sooner.” Roger slowly laid his friend down on his side putting a bin next to the bed for him and covered him up with the blanket before sliding in bed himself. “You just try and sleep off the alcohol you’ll feel better.” He said softly turning off the bed side lamp. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while 😩😩 I’ve been super busy trying to get a thing done for the you are our champions thing queen is doing oof. Anyways I hope you enjoyed the chapter it wasn’t that interesting (at least to me) but I tried. I would love to hear feedback from you guys, how you like it, suggestions on where you want to see this story go etc etc. as always kudos and comments are appreciated ^^


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry for the delay on this chapter I know I told a lot of you that I’d get it done sometime in October of 2019 but unfortunately I’ve been dealing with some personal issues that have left me unable to think about writing I’ve always been working on a queen charity zine so feel free to check that out @sheerzineattack on tumblr and Instagram. Again I’m so sorry for the delay and I hope you all like it, it’s a bit shorter than previous chapters but I figured I kept you guys waiting long enough

After that night things began to be easier for Freddie, perhaps because he was finally able to let it all out, or maybe because he was just excited to get out of the house for a bit, and finally go back on tour.All in all it was easier to cope. But there was still that distance between him and John- they avoided each other unless they absolutely couldn’t, sure they were polite but the careful glances stopped and even the small talk… But for some reason Freddie was okay with that, because from what he saw- at least John was happy. 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, there’s no way I can raise a family in that tiny little flat. Sure it might be okay for the first year or so but when will I be able to get a house for that good of a price, it’s just not right.”

“I don’t understand how we don’t have any money, when the bastard has a brand new Royce while we get junk change doing back to back concerts all year?!”

Freddie came back from his day dreaming when his ears picked up on the conversation the other three boys were having. 

“I mean, there must be a reason we’re not getting paid that well… I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for all of this.” Brian cut between John and Roger.

“What reasonable explanation would there be besides us being used to shit. You must know that Brian! For god sakes, the bastard got pissed at you for getting hepatitis like that tainted fucking needle was anyway your fault!” Roger scolded glaring at the guitarist for trying to justify their managers actions. “All we are to him is a god damn cash cow.”

Freddie finally turned to the other boys with a look of confusion on his face at everything that was happening. For the most part he had zoned out most of the flight so he didn’t quite understand what was going on. “What’s going on?” He interrupted.

“Sheffield got a new fucking Royace. John needed a cash advance for a house he’s trying to close in on and essentially the prick told him to fuck off.” Roger stated before anyone else could in a rather stale voice. 

“I-I wouldn’t go that far Rog… He just told me that there weren’t enough funds for a cash advance.” John interrupted feeling a bit awkward about how Roger had phrased that but even more awkward now that Freddie was involved. 

John couldn’t help but look at Freddie and every time he did, ever since that or even since John announced him and Veronica were expecting- he couldn’t help but think about this dull ache in Freddie’s eyes- how it wasn’t his Freddie anymore. He didn’t want Freddie to worry especially not about him- not after what he did… Sure John was pissed but the last thing he wanted to do was get Freddie worked up especially about a problem that practically ruined their relationship not to mention their friendship. 

“Deaky that’s essentially telling you to fuck off.” Roger grumbled.

Freddie could feel the fire building in his chest, the anger he felt for John. Sure it hurt to see John with someone else-  _ happy  _ with someone else, but he  _ wants  _ John to be happy even if it wasn’t him that he was happy with. And god save the poor bastard that stood between John’s happiness. It didn’t help that he too was also getting irritated with their manager but for him, this was the final straw. 

“I’m getting us a lawyer darlings- that’s it we aren’t doing this anymore. First thing when we get back to London I’ll look for a lawyer and we’re getting out of this filthy contract.” Freddie said leaving no room for arguments. 

John stared at him pain twisting his face as he saw anger flash in Freddie’s eyes and it confused him. Why should Freddie be angry, after all it’s karma right? He hurt Freddie and thus he would expect Freddie to be leaping for joy that his plans fell through, that things weren’t going as expected. Realistically he knew Freddie would never show how happy he was that John was suffering, if that was the case, but John knew that look in his eyes, he couldn’t fake that look even if he tried to. Freddie was genuinely upset that John couldn’t get his house and it made his heart twist in pain. 

John listened to Rogers cheer and Brian trying to rationalize it all and he couldn’t stand being a part of the conversation anymore. Not because he didn’t think their manager deserved it but because Freddie was the one stepping up to the plate because of him and it made him confused and a bit sick that he decided to stay out of the conversation, resorting back to his quiet self for the duration of the flight. He knew he’d have to talk to Freddie about this later. 

Once they made it to their hotel they each went into their own rooms wanting to relax before the show tomorrow. John stayed in his room for some time mapping out what he was going to say and every possible answer Freddie could respond with. 

He gave a small sigh before standing up and heading to the singers room down the hall. He hesitated for a moment with his hand up in the air ready to knock on the door. He could hear the telly going and the soft sound of Freddie melodical laugh that made his chest tighten. 

He could remember that laugh even if he had gotten amnesia, a laugh that soothed him and made him look at Freddie like he was his entire world, because he was at one point, now it was nothing more than a painful reminder of what he destroyed because of his own selfishness. He swallowed thickly before giving a couple small knocks on the door, then hearing the rustling sound of Freddie moving. 

“Roger what is it now, I was just at a good part of my mov-“ Freddie began speaking before opening the door but when he finally did and saw that it was John instead of the drummer he immediately stopped his words. “Uh… John… I didn’t expect you…” he said a bit awkwardly. 

John watched as the singer tightened his robe around him as if it was indecent for him to show a little skin despite how little his stage costumes left to the imagination, as if only a few month prior John wasn’t brushing his hands across his chest feeling the contour of it. “Uhh.. Yes sorry…” John said after a moment of thought looking away from Freddie feeling as if he was intruding. “I Umm… I was wondering if I could talk to you…” He paused waiting for Freddie to invite him in. “I-inside.” He added with a slight stutter and a small blush. 

“Uh, yes right! Right right, come in darling, is everything okay?” He asked moving to the side to let John come in, clutching onto the collar of his robe like they were a string of pearls around his neck. 

John licked his lips trying to muster the courage to say why he was here, especially when he didn’t even know why he was there. “Umm well yes everything is fine just…” Again he hesitated, he should leave. There’s no use talking about it but he can’t bring himself to leave because he could talk to Freddie for just a little it felt like they don’t talk anymore and in a way they don’t. 

Freddie stared at him unable to look away, his heart aching at John being in front of him, beautiful John, with his soft wavy hair and lips that almost seemed to pull into a permanent frown when he was relaxed or thinking too hard, kind of like he was now. Part of him hoped that John would tell him to take him away and forget life and make love for old times sake and no one would have to know… But he knew that was wishful thinking, thoughts that would haunt him in his dreams. So he waited patiently for John to speak, to say anything because it meant being in his space for just a moment, but the following words that came out of his mouth seemed to twist the knife in his heart deeper. 

“Why… Why are you sticking up for me… I thought you’d be glad that Veronica and I wouldn’t be able to get our house. Why did it bother you so much? Y-you should be jumping for joy.”

Freddie wondered if John ever knew who he really was. Those words cut just as deep as the day that John broke up with him and he couldn’t help but look down at the geometrical patterns on the carpet of dull reds and oranges that seemed to mix into brown now that he was concentrating on it so much.

“Just because you stopped loving me doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to suffer, I still very much love you John but I’d feel the same way if it were Brian or Roger.” His voice was small, like a child be scolded by their parents and just out of the corner of his eyes he saw John visibly flinch then shrink into himself with shame. He wanted to wrap John in a blanket tightly and hold him telling him it’s okay but he dared not move besides his toes curling and uncurling into the carpet. 

“I didn’t stop loving you Freddie I’m just…” John hesitated find the right words 

_ A coward _

_ A fool _

_ Selfish _

He took a deep breath before nodding. “Thank you… for being my friend that is…” he whispered softly. “I’ll Umm… I’ll stop disturbing your night.” He added before making way for the door. 

“John, wait.” There was a crack in Freddie's voice as he tried to stop John. 

John stopped in his tracks to look back at Freddie with a hopeful expression. 

“Stay the night with me, just watch a movie or something. We won’t do anything that we wouldn’t do with Roger or Brian just… I miss you… Even as a friend.” Freddie said before chewing at his bottom lip avoiding John’s stare. 

John opened his mouth to immediately say yes because he couldn’t think of anything he’d want to do more than enjoy Freddie’s company at the moment but he couldn’t which seemed to hurt more. “I… I’m a bit tired tonight… Jetlag you know…” he muttered. “Perhaps next time..” he added. 

Freddie gave him a quick saddened grin still keeping his eyes elsewhere. “Of course… Y-you should sleep darling… sweet dreams.” He said standing awkwardly in the hallway of his suite. 

“Goodnight Freddie..” John replied just as sadly before he left closing the door gently behind him and how that action hurt both of them piercing both of their hearts till all either of them could feel was the blood the poured out and swallowed them whole. 

Slowly John dragged his feet to his room as tears stung his eyes unaware that Freddie was sitting on his bed staring at the floor with his own eyes threatened with tears. John couldn’t stop thinking about how absolutely selfish he was, of course Freddie would do that for him because he cared, he should know that by now. Was he just too petty to do the same, that if he was in Freddies shoes that he’d be so bitter to not take care of someone he called a friend and at one point a lover? No, he knew he wouldn’t but why did he doubt Freddie like that, Freddie who is nothing but kind to everyone, sure he could be a diva at times but he had a heart of gold and just knowing that John doubted him made him sick to his stomach. 

“You’re such an arse Deacon..” John muttered to himself as he walked into his suite wiping his face clear of tears. He was so angry at himself for even thinking that of Freddie tarnishing his character like that, it was honestly despicable and despite all that Freddie still offered John to stay and just be together for a little, nothing sexual or romantic just as friend and John had the audacity to turn him down, because he was too weak to say yes. “An absolute arse…” he said to himself before turning the light of his suite off before curling up in his bed only bothering to toe his shoes off before letting sleep roll over him in moments. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What??? Me not taking months to write a chapter and doing it within less than a week??? I know I’m just as shocked as you are however I heard everyone’s pleads of something soft so I got you guys uwu

Each day John told himself he would ask Freddie to spend time with him, each day he told himself he’d mention a movie that was going to be on the telly to Freddie, and each day it seemed they grew more and more distant again, going back to their ways of only speaking to each other about work. 

He felt like he’s gotten a knack of destroying any chance he had of rekindling what was left of his and Freddie’s friendship as if it was part of his job now smothering out a fire with dirt before it set a forest ablaze. 

It was their last off day of this leg of the tour before one final concert and they were back home for almost eight weeks rest before continuing to the next leg in the US. They were all tired, practically working day in and day out, minor stage inconveniences putting everyone in sour moods, today was what everyone needed- a break from each other. Whether or not it would be just to catch up on sleep or relax somewhere maybe get a drink or something but for the most part, keeping to themselves. 

It was his last chance before they wouldn’t see each other for a few weeks, and possibly make things unrepairable at least that’s what John thought. So he prepared himself for most of the day trying to find the courage to ask Freddie to accompany him for lunch or dinner  _ as friends.  _ It really did hurt not being able to at least enjoy each other’s company and he had been beating himself up since he denied Freddie of that with the lame excuse of jetlag.

It was 5:00 when John finally found some form of courage to ask Freddie to hang. He had only hoped that the singer both was in his hotel room and also that he even wanted John’s company. John took a long deep breath as he stood in front of Freddie's door trembling over the fact that reaction would be negative. He raised his hand to knock on the door and-

_ Click _

Panic had set in when he heard the tumblrs of the dead bolt twist, his breath hitching in his throat and his eyes wide as a deer in the headlights. Should he run? Should he move as if he was just passing Freddie’s door like a small coincidence because after all Freddie leaving his room was a coincidence. But he couldn’t move, couldn’t even lower his hand so instead he stood there looking spooked with his mouth slightly agape as Freddie slowly opened the door. 

There was a frightened jump when Freddie saw someone in front of his door his brain not registering fast enough that it was of no threat but less than a second later his brain caught up to the situation. 

“You gave me quite a startle darling.” He chuckled as John slowly lowered his hand. 

Of course Freddie acted as if nothing changed as if this heavy aura wasn’t constantly around them making them unable to look at each other for more than a moment if it wasn’t work related. Freddie was just that type of person John thought. To make everyone feel welcomed and a close friend- family even. The bassist honestly hated it because he couldn’t do the same, any moment he had alone with Freddie left his mouth dry and hard to breathe. He wondered if Freddie felt the same way but was just better at hiding it. 

“Ah… yes, sorry..” he muttered. “Are you going out right now?” He asked as he started to chew the dry skin on his bottom lip. 

_ Damn these nasty habits.  _

“No, not at all, was just going to get ice to make myself a drink, as much as I’d love to go out, but I’m just a bit too tired to deal with the crowds tonight. Why is everything okay?” He asked stepping beside John to close his door. “Come walk with me.” He added as he began to walk to the ice machine. 

“Uhh no…” he said as he followed Freddie quickly being a few feet behind. “I was just wondering if you’d like to watch a movie tonight… Maybe pick up some food to watch with it.” He offered still pulling at the dried skin of his lips as his heart raced, waiting for the singer to turn him down like he did not too long ago. He was caught up in his own thoughts that he didn’t even realize Freddie had stopped to turn to him causing him to collide into him. 

He jumped out of his trance once his body hit Freddie’s and looked up at him to see what was wrong, but it was the wrong thing to do, he was caught up in those beautiful brown eyes the moment he looked at them and his whole body wanted to melt from a familiar feeling. It was the first time they were this close since he broke up with Freddie, first time he was able to see the sadness those beautiful brown orbs held and it made him want to run, like he always does- because running was easier than admitting that he was the cause for that sadness. 

He stood there for a moment as they stared longingly into each other’s eyes, longer than what was socially acceptable, before John took a step back looking away as he cleared his throat. “Sorry…” he mumbled. 

It was in that moment that Freddie too seemed to snap out of his trance. “N-no it’s okay…” he muttered awkwardly, shaking his head. “I’d love to.” He finally said with a gentle smile but still John could see how much pain was behind that smile and it made him want to jump off a bridge so he’d never have to face that sadness. But he didn’t, because hearing Freddie accept him to be in each other’s space was like the world being lifted from his shoulders- a weight that made him breathe easier, a breath he didn’t even realize was suffocating him. 

Freddie was just as shocked as John if not more, but it made his heart swell, sure it was like a sledgehammer to his chest but in the best possible way- if that was at all possible. He had waited for days for John to ask him this, though his hope was small. He himself wanted to ask again but that pitiful denial, that look of pain that crossed John’s face when he said he was feeling too jetlagged to enjoy eachothers company, it made him take a step back, it made him realize that perhaps he was overstepping his boundaries. But John had come to him asking to watch a movie and get some food and he couldn’t be happier, so happy that he thought about crying, because how he missed John-  _ his John _ .

But then Freddie realized something, something that made his heart melt. They were in a different country it wasn’t like they were in their own country or say the US, the likeliness they would have a telly that broadcasted English speaking movies was slim, and John was smart surely if he really did care about seeing a movie, he would have realized that there probably wasn’t going to much on. This just meant that John didn’t care about the movie that he just wanted to spend time with Freddie, and that… That was the most blessed thing in the world, even if the almighty had come down and laid his hands on Freddie with blessings of prosperous future it would be nowhere near as blessed as he felt right now from John’s small proposal.

“Though…” He started with a chuckle. “I don’t think you thought this all the way through.” Freddie commented, chuckling just a bit more as he watched John’s confused face. “I think you forgot where we are. I don’t think Barsalona will have very many English speaking channels.” He watched as John’s cheeks heated up a beautiful bright red… He could look at John like this forever, that shocked expression, the dazed look, the way his mouth opened just slightly as his thoughts realized his mistakes and his lips pushed out in a slight pout as embarrassment hit him. He looked beautiful every moment he was able to look at him.

“I… I really am a dunce, aren't I.” John said as his nose scrunched up as if he smelled something putrid before looking back down. “Well maybe… We could still eat, listen to the radio… Play a game or something.” He offered kicking at the carpet beneath him. 

“Of course darling, and you’re not a dunce, just a simple slip of the mind. We can order room service, throw on some tunes and just play games!” He paused for a minute to continue his walk to the ice machine, he filed his bucket half way before quickly turning to John in exclamation which made the bassist jump a bit, “Oh! Remember that time during 73’ when we were in Germany for the tour!” He started a bit too excited. “When we were watching tv trying to guess what the actors were saying!” He said with a laugh his teeth on full display as he did.

John couldn’t help but stare at him for a moment, his body relaxing and his smile softening as Freddie laughed. He missed this, more than anything he missed this watching Freddie laugh at fond memories. 

“We could always do that.” Freddie offered as he finished filling his ice bucket.

“I’d like that, I’d like that a lot actually.” John said softly the warmth in his chest growing and he couldn’t be more happy. “It’ll be just like the good times” He chuckled walking back to Freddie’s room. 

Ah yes, the good times, when they were so in love with each other, so in love with the idea of being in love with each other, where every moment they had to be in each others space, see each other smile, laugh together, everything was always together, never once did it stop. Hardly was there ever fighting, if any at all and John was the happiest was in his entire life. Sure Veronica made him happy, finding out she was going to have his kid made him ecstatic, but things were different with Freddie, because no matter how poor they were, no matter how bad things were, they could look at each other and smile. No demon, no unnatural or natural force could stop their love, stop their happiness, nothing until…

_ Until you became selfish, until you wanted more. Why did you need more? You had the world, you selfish prick. _

But wasn’t it natural? To want kids of your own? To marry the person you love without repercussions? At least that’s what John thought. He gave a quiet sigh before trying to let his mind move past all of this. Now was not the time to let his mind swarm in self-pity and loathing. He needed this, he needed the now, and not the angry vial thoughts that weighed every moment of his life down, right now he needed Freddie.

**_ooo_ **

“Oh you bastard!” John said with a laugh as Freddie pinned his thumb down in an aggressive game of thumb fighting that they’ve been playing for a while now after having lost interest in the local tv shows and finished their food. 

“Oh it’s not my fault you’re thumb is so large darling, it makes it so easy to grab at.” Freddie laughed. “Now if it was a game with your fingers I would have no doubt you’d win.” He added with another laugh. “Plucking at those base strings all day, I have no idea how you do it.” 

John let out a chuckle as he laid on his back to stare at the ceiling having given up as Freddie continuously beat him at thumb war. “You think we are going to be good tomorrow?” John asked, closing his eyes as he relaxed a bit, sleep slowly starting to coo at him and pull him in. 

“Why of course we are darling. There’s no doubt about that.” Freddie said, flopping down next to him. 

For a moment both of them had forgotten their pain, forgotten that there was life outside their own little world and it soothed them making both of them, washing their feelings away till it was just them. 

“Good…” John said softly. “I’m glad…” John added dripping more and more to sleep. 

Freddie wasn’t all too sure if John meant their concert or if things between them were going to go back to normal. Either way he hoped that his answer stayed the same for either one. It was the happiest he’s been since John had left. He looked over at John seeing his lips slightly parted and the steady rise and fall of John’s chest told him all he needed to know. Of course John was already asleep, the man could sleep anywhere any second and any chance he got. 

Freddie let out a small chuckle as he pulled the covers over John’s body and turned off the light before crawling into the covers himself. He supposed it was best that he slept too and as awful as it sounded it felt like things were the same like before. 

He stared at the ceiling for a few minutes to try and tire himself out a bit but he didn’t expect John to curl up to him his head seeking Freddie’s chest, his arm laying gently on the other side of his chest as if it was second nature. And in John’s tired state he was sure it was. Slowly Freddie wrapped his arm around John’s waist a light dust of blush on his cheek and his hand resting on top of John’s wrapping his fingers gently around his palm.

_ Yes, just like things were before. _

Freddie hesitated for one moment before kissing the top of John’s sleeping head. “Goodnight John…” he whispered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys liked it seeing your guys comments from the last chapter really made me want to continue more quickly, they we all so heart felt and it means the world, thank you 🥺🥺🥺
> 
> Sorry its a little shorter than normal like last chapter I’m still trying to get the hang of writing this again


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